The Ferret: Potty Scotty and sea dogs bite back

POTTY SCOTTY

As you would be aware, Ferret is a gluttonous consumer of politics, particularly the appalling behaviour and glorious scandals that often drip from it.

Because of that — and as serious news gatherers — we love to examine the entrails of those great political moments that have shaped modern Australia.

Take the recent Federal election, for example. So many significant questions left unanswered. Should Adani go ahead? Would it have been fair for childcare workers to get a pay rise? Could a fragile economy have sustained substantial tax cuts across the board?

Did ScoMo dump in his dacks at Engadine Macca’s?

Now, dear reader, before we go any further, please accept apologies for being so vulgar, but it’s quite possibly the unwritten story of Scott Morrison’s miraculous May 18 triumph.

No other newspaper has so far touched it, if you pardon the expression, since the “story” squirted out on Twitter, the home of bored journalists, under-employed politicians and Neville Nobodies who, for very good reason it seems, do not normally have a platform to be heard.

Anyhow, ScoMo’s unconfirmed humiliation apparently occurred on a cold September evening in 1997 after his treasured Cronulla Sharks lost the inaugural Super League grand final to the Brisbane Broncos.

Without going into detail because, frankly, we do not have too much of it, it has been alleged The Messiah from The Shire dropped his onions in a mad rush to get to the toilet.

That’s right folks, he let loose with the brown goose. He opened his lunchbox.

Alternatively, in plain English, he didn’t make it.

How does Ferret know this?

Well, to be honest, we don’t, but the line of inquiry Twittersphere took eventually sparked a series of questions and investigations on the east coast, where they are much more accepting of this sort of behaviour.

Triple M host Lawrence Mooney dragged in Treasurer Josh Frydenberg to tackle the lingering issue.

“There has been a rumour swirling around your Government recently about the Prime Minister Scott Morrison pooping his dacks at the Engadine McDonald’s in 1997,” Mooney began as listeners heard a surprised but muffled burst of laughter from the Treasurer’s end of the line.

“Have you heard about this and can you confirm or deny the rumour?”

A clearlyunsettled Frydenberg batted back deadpan, saying he had “neither seen it reported or heard about it, and I’m sure he’s cleaner in more ways than one”.

Boom-boom! Everyone laughs. Interview over. Scandal averted.

However, Twitter would not give up.

An investigation by Pedestrian TV aided and abetted by a variety of online nutters went into forensic detail about what did or did not happen on that infamous evening 21 years ago.

Debate raged. Lots of discussions about the possible traffic route the now PM would have taken on that fateful day, or whether the incident may have happened the previous week when the Sharkies beat the Canberra Raiders, making it more likely ScoMo would have driven past the crime scene on the way back from the national capital.

Failed Labor senator and celebrated Chinese spy Sam Dastyari even claimed Sportsbet was paying $91 if the Big Fella swung past Engadine Macca’s on polling day.

In addition, to top it all off, someone had even visited the actual cubicle and erected a plaque commemorating the historical event, snapped a photo of said plaque which had an inscription that even made Ferret blush.

As for the Pedestrian investigation, its conclusion was officially inconclusive, which Ferret thinks sounds just about right.

As you were, ScoMo. Your secret is safe with us.

SEA DOGS BITE BACK

There’s a real sinking feeling down at Club Chaos, aka the Fremantle Sailing Club.

Dodging smashed bottles, cutlass clashes between old barflies and toe-to-toes — apparently that’s normal in the main bar on a Friday night — Ferret has managed to stumble across minutes from last Wednesday week’s Special General Meeting.

Last week we reported that the board was tight-lipped about its dealings with the club’s outed general manager Amanda Silk, revealing that because it was negotiating “terms of separation” between the parties, they couldn’t, or more likely wouldn’t, provide “any further details”.

Some FSC members are telling Ferret that Ms Silk has access to CCTV footage of the original incident that started this whole sorry tale — the theft of some wine from within the club.

Well, it now seems that at the aforementioned meeting a couple of weeks back, the club’s board was officially sanctioned by its members for its handling of whole issue.

While this is an excellent result for all concerned, Ferret can only yell to “Duck!” to his favourite sailors.

The boom is about to swing rather unexpectedly back across the deck.