The Ferret: Profit plunges at David Jones, Extinction Rebellion at The West Australian full of ‘wannabe greenies’ and pitiful insults in State Parliament

DJ WIPES THE FLOOR Retailer David Jones recently warned Australian consumers that it would be “aggressively” closing down and shrinking stores as profits plunged. The chain has more than 40 outlets across the country and Ian Moir, chief executive of its South African-based owners Woolworths Holdings, predicted it would have to reduce floor space by 20 per cent by 2026. “We’ve got to get less stores and less space ... we've got to exit any marginal or undesirable leases,” he said. Where am I going with all this? Well, the Ferret heard this week that things are so bad for David Jones at its iconic multi-storey Perth CBD store that it’s thinking of closing up to two of its levels. My source is good, but a DJ’s spokeswoman yesterday told The West Australian: “We have no plans to change the format of our Hay Street store”. Of course, the store did recently shrink its food court offerings, which were a staple for workers in our capital city. REBELLION EXTINCTION The Ferret missed the so-called “protest” outside The West Australian this week. Why? Because I arrived at work about 10.45am. So yes, by mid-morning the handful of Perth activists who have taken responsibility for saving the planet from an “unprecedented global emergency” had already given up and gone home. I guess that’s commitment for you in 2019. And don’t even get me started about how my colleagues have photos of several of the Extinction Rebellion members turning up in petrol-guzzling 4WD vehicles. It seems climate change isn’t so important as to force these wannabe greenies to catch the bus. It’s almost as good as the movement’s figurehead Jesse Noakes holding a disposable cup in a picture, left, of yesterday’s CBD march taken by 7NEWS’ most tenacious reporter Syan Dougherty. For what it’s worth, The Ferret drinks instant coffee. International Roast. It may not be fancy, but it’s certainly better for the environment than $5 takeaway coffee made by a barista that seems to be the drink of choice of Extinction Rebellion. I simply can’t see how ANYONE is taking these guys seriously. Except of course The Subiaco Post. I nearly spat out my aforementioned cup of International Roast when I accidentally stumbled upon their paper yesterday morning and read the grandiose sop on their front page. “An ethereal slow-motion procession of red-clad figures, their faces painted white, brought Cottesloe beach to a standstill during a crimson sunset on Sunday,” a page one story read. “Beach users were mesmerised as the 19 silent spectres held their gaze and glided from the Indiana to the groyne in a silent climate protest.” Yes, I’m sure 19 people walking quietly along Cottesloe Beach on a balmy afternoon will make a world of difference. GOIRAN: YOU’RE NICKED It’s a little known fact the Ferret has been closely following the progress of the Voluntary Assisted Dying Bill through State Parliament. As for the quality of debate, I keep my expectations low. Let’s face it, they’re a pallid, uninspiring lot up on the Hill these days. The oratory rarely rises above the mundane and the Ferret even after a long, hot day at Ascot would be able to throw a horse with more precision than our elective representatives’ pitiful attempts to land an insult across the chamber. But an honourable mention must go to Liberal Nick Goiran powerbroker and keeper of family values in the Upper House. A vocal opponent of the Bill, Goiran could not hide his disappointment this week after the State Government announced an extra $17.8 million for palliative care, labelling it “a pittance”. “West Aussies deserve much better than this before we rush to courier them lethal injections for their unsupervised use,” he thundered. So what did he have to say when his side of politics pumped in a mere $14 million over three years for palliative care back in 2012? Did he attack its manifest inadequacy? Erm, no. He took to his feet to congratulate the Barnett government and praised WA’s “very good palliative care model”. “We are blessed to live in a State where ... the palliative care we offer is sophisticated,” he said.