Federal Budget 2022: Ben Harvey analyses what the Treasurer said versus what he actually meant

Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said A LOT of things when handing down today’s Budget. But here’s what he actually meant. Fuel excise will be cut in half. For the next 6 months, Australians will save 22 cents a litre every time they fill up. Brilliant! We all thought it would be 20 cents – add a couple more and everyone says “better-than-expected” instead of “as-expected”. Best 2 cent investment in political spin ever. This cut in fuel excise, which takes effect from midnight tonight, will flow through to the bowser over the next 2 weeks. Godamnit I just filled up! The competition watchdog will monitor retailers to make sure these savings are passed on in full. Hmmmm isn’t that the same competition watchdog that’s been unable to stop us getting shafted by the fuel cycle? This temporary reduction in fuel excise will not come at a cost to road funding. Just schools and hospitals. Australia has a world-class manufacturing sector. Damn right. The Holden Camira didn’t build itself. A new $1.3 billion telecommunications package to expand mobile coverage across 8000km of regional transport routes. So you can ring the RAC when the Camira breaks down cos it was actually a piece of crap. Tonight’s Budget includes new commitments to road and rail projects. Sydney to Newcastle faster rail. The METRONET project in Western Australia. Stop playing with Mark’s train set. Mr Speaker, Australia is on the pathway to Net Zero emissions by 2050 and playing its part in responding to the critical global challenge of climate change. This is dangerously close to misleading the House. Technology, not taxes, will get us there. Can someone please build a climate change flux capacitor? We are investing in clean hydrogen, carbon capture and storage. Don’t worry about investing mate, concentrate on inventing. These things don’t exist yet. Bulk billing rates are at a record high. No shit, we’ve all got the vid. Tonight we go further, with a new $1.3 billion package to end violence against women and children. What about violence towards black Oscars hosts? Saving 10 million tonnes of recyclables from landfill every year by 2030. Too late for Christian Porter. No longer are we exporting waste, we are recycling it here at home. Case in point: Barnaby Joyce. Tonight we go further, more than doubling the Home Guarantee Scheme to 50,000 places per year. Which will cause house prices to go up, which makes housing less affordable, which means we need another 50,000 places on the Home Guarantee Scheme, which means. Oh hang on … We have put in place a 10-year defence capability plan. Hobart Class Air Warfare Destroyers, built in South Australia, now in the water. Soon to be under water cos they were made by the same people who built the Holden Camira. Mr Speaker, over the last 3 years Australians have been tested. Drought, fire, floods. And ukuleles. Mr Speaker, our Government is safeguarding Australia’s unique environment for future generations. Or at least the bits that aren’t uniquely under water or uniquely on fire. This is a time to stick to our plan. A plan that delivers cost of living relief now. A plan that creates jobs for the long-term. A plan that guarantees the essential services. A plan that invests more in the defence of our nation. A plan to buy some time so Josh can roll ScoMo in 2024. Tonight the Morrison Government announces a new temporary, targeted and responsible cost of living package to ease these pressures. Temporary until we get your vote and targeted to people who might vote for us. Together, with existing indexation arrangements, this will see a single pensioner receive more than $500 in additional support over the next 6 months, just when they need it most. Oooh we can get the yummiest cat food now! With a record 220,000 Australians now in a trade apprenticeship. And getting ready to charge you $3 a brick. Supporting an additional 800,000 training places. Ensuring businesses get the skilled workers they need. Where are these people coming from? Even the Paxtons have jobs at the moment!